I am a pro-life activist who will now happily retire from politics

As a pro-life activist, I have spent most of my life on the front lines fighting for the life of the unborn child. It has been my passion. My reason for being, if you will. I have spent countless hours demanding that my deeply held religious beliefs about other women’s bodies become national law. And even though I didn’t get everything I wanted with the reversal of deerI will now happily retire from political activism, pending a few more minor changes to reproductive law, gay rights, national voting systems, how religion is taught in public schools and to the legality of drag queens.

The Supreme Court rightfully returned the question of life to the states, which is precisely what Christians like me have been pushing for all these years. No more no less. Those on the pro-murder side don’t have to worry about “what we’ll do next” because the game is over. It’s in the hands of the States now, as God intended. We are done fighting and we just want to wrap up the final trifle of enacting a national abortion ban and criminalizing the teaching of the existence of slavery.

As someone who prayed endlessly for laws that would compel victims of rape and incest to continue with their unwanted pregnancies, I decided that this partial victory from my religious perspective was enough for me. I’m done, friends! It’s my Sunday, my day off. Until the previous Saturday, we codified a national law to investigate any miscarriage and prosecute the enablers to the fullest extent of God’s wrath.

I really look forward to staying out of other people’s private affairs as soon as we sort out the remaining issues of banning in vitro fertilization, reclassifying mifepristone and misoprostol as schedule 1 drugs , the expulsion of trans people from recreational volleyball and the charging of women who claim to have ectopic pregnancies with conspiracy to murder.

Yes, after completing the final minutiae of consolidating all African Americans in my states into a tiny, helpless district and enacting RICO legislation allowing private militias to hunt down anyone crossing state lines to obtain an abortion, I will take off my sandals and celebrate our final battle. Of course, we will first have to decriminalize the act of ramming your car into any crowd engaged in an unauthorized demonstration. But then the sandal-kick can begin!

Believe me. I do not take it lightly to retire from political advocacy. I abandoned family, abandoned friends, ignored birthdays, and even neglected my taxes to overturn deer my only priority here on Earth. Guess I’m going to have to learn to relax, which I plan to do right after a Judeo-Christian federal executive order is passed declaring IUDs murder and reading stories to children while in cross-dressing is punishable by stoning.

Stop being histrionic about the future, liberals. deer was tearing this country apart, and luckily it’s over now. Have confidence knowing that people like me just want to sit back, relax and reflect on our victory. Shortly after, we ban sodomy and ban homosexual teachers from public schools.

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